On the Shore

“Go to the beach,
Go there alone and listen.”
Something in me resisted
As sometimes we revel in our stuckness
Cling to our burdens while cursing their weight
But the heat spurred me

At the first shiver of a spent wave at my feet,
I wanted to wade, let the saltwater bathe my skin
But even more
I wanted to walk
As far, as fast as I could
At the edge, where calf-deep water couldn't slow me

Walking stirred what had been stagnant
Love, anger, desire, confusion
layered like sedimentary rock
Running from something
Deluding myself that I knew
what I was running toward

I watched a man
lean over to take the hand of his tiny daughter
who feared the tide
Something broke open inside me
Recalling myself as that little girl
daunted by the sea's immensity
Envisioning myself as her protector
If I could find my way

I walked until an inlet blocked me
watched it deepen with the tide
wanted to jump in, swim across, walk on
to be stranded on the other side
Waves pooled at my knees,
as a man waded past me
to the waist, the chest, the shoulders
then looked back and waved

I turned around.

I wanted to walk
I was not yet ready
to cross.