The Life and Times of a Hack Pianist

I'm listening to the recording of the recital that my tenor friend and I gave last weekend (exactly 1 week ago!). The very first section of the very first piece was really hard for me, and it sounds pretty rough on the recording. God, I hate orchestral reductions! Hate them, hate them, hate them!

Anyway, there were some really nice moments in the recital -- quite a few, actually. Then there are a few places where, I have to admit, I hosed it up pretty good.

Over the past few years I have been doing a TON of accompanying -- mostly choral accompanying, and mostly in pretty low-stress settings. I've gotten so used to playing in front of people that I hardly get nervous anymore. In fact, I think I'm a little too relaxed in front of an audience. I have gotten a bit sloppy. One problem is that I'm paid by the hour for rehearsals and performances, but NOT for my own individual practice time. I schedule as many hours as I can in order to make something resembling a living, and the result: very little practice! I spend more time rehearsing and performing than practicing, for sure! That can only have a negative effect on a person's technique.

I didn't get serious enough soon enough about preparing for this recital. It has been sooo long since I gave one, that I was unclear on the concept. I could have gotten pretty terrified down toward the end there, but I kept reminding myself to relax, breathe, and enjoy playing. I knew it wouldn't be perfect; I no longer pressure myself to be perfect. I feel it's an accomplishment that I got through it without any major trainwrecks.

Overall, I'm really glad I did this, because next time I'll know what to do to prepare. Like I said, I won't be a neurotic perfectionist, but I would like to challenge myself to be more polished and more on top of things sooner. Now I know how to do that. I am actually a very good musician... I just spend too much time doing the musical equivalent of waiting tables. But as of June 2007, no more!

After having turned a corner

I was in a weird place when I started this blog. Lots of confusing emotions. The blog quickly became a place I turned to when I needed to vent frustration and process the confusion. So the fact that it has been 7 weeks since my last post indicates that things have been going very well!

And they have. I'm engaged and I'm very happy. That doesn't make life perfect, and there's still plenty to process. But this doesn't need to be my little confessional corner so much anymore. Now it can just be a place to record my thoughts and reflections, because I don't want to lose them. Today I was going over the timeline of my relationship with B, trying to remember exactly when certain things happened, and I wasn't sure. That's when I said to myself, "I really need to journal more regularly, because there are memories I don't want to lose.

So to start, here's a brief history of me and B:

Nov. 2005: Email correspondence begins.
Dec. 2005: We plan to meet for brunch the day after Christmas, but I cancel after reconciling with the LB; email correspondence suspended.
April 2006: I email again, post breakup from LB, hoping B won't tell me to piss off; he responds positively
April 30: First in-person meeting, for brunch and a walk on the beach. I decline to call it a date.
May 21: Another brunch non-date.
June 3: Dinner and another oceanside stroll. B asks if he could hold my hand, I say yes. I consider this our first real date, though I didn't say so. Still in grief mode.
June 15: B sends me email declaring his intention to "court" me.
June 23: Our first official date -- dinner and dancing. He takes forever to kiss me but finally does.
Late June/early July: B wants to spend his summer break with me. I get overwhelmed, freak out, and send him home, but invite him back later. I feel like it's too much too soon. I'm so used to being neglected and taken for granted that I mistake genuine caring for smothering; I panic and almost sabotage it. B keeps his cool.
Mid to late July: I get over it.
August: we start looking at rings and talking about where he'll apply for residency programs. B decides to switch specialties from OB-GYN to Emergency Medicine, partially in response to my concern that I'll never see him if he's an OB.
September 8: We get engaged!

It's really strange, some days I feel like time is speeding by, and other days it seems to crawl. It seems like we've been engaged for more than just 3 weeks. And it certainly seems like we've known each other longer than 5 months. Everything else that's going on makes the weeks fly by; on the other hand I can't wait til June, when we'll marry, move, and start a new life.